Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Need to get this down and out of my head.

I need to get this down and out of my head..

I am feeling somewhat upset with myself because of Tabitha's birth.

I know how a baby is born doesn't really matter to some, and while it doesn't matter completely and the end of the world for me, it is a big part.

My birthing history pretty much goes,
#1 - induced, every intervention known to man, ending in a c-sec
#2 - spontaneous waters break, left to labour by myself, hospital not allowing me enough time and calling time, ending in another c-sec
#3 - planned homebirth, spontaneous labour, transfer to hospital, vaginal birth, our angel men left for heaven

This time, I planned another VBA2C. The plan was to labour at home, and transfer at 7-8cm. Birth my baby into my arms and then come home.

That however wasn't the way it worked out.  (I do plan to post my birth story in the hopes that if anyone does read my blog, and has lost a child, it may help. prehaps some lost baby mama's may be able to help me too)

Labour was spontaneous again. Starting on my due date. (first time even, I usually have overdue babies). Contractions started straight away at 1min - 1+mins in length and 3-9 mins apart. Very full on, and all in my back and in my front. It continued this way for 3 days. I had little - no sleep/rest.

By the third day, it was all getting to me. I was ok physically, and so was bub. But I was sooo worried something was going to happen to the baby that I just couldn't get into my groove, into my positive mind space. I couldn't relax into my contractions. I couldn't help but think, if Owen's labor and birth was so easy and beautiful, and he didn't make it. What was happening to this baby with 3 days of this and nothing more happening.

My midwife was with me and helping me, as was my husband and my best friend. But I couldn't stop my mind from where it kept going.

I remember between contractions, even though I had just felt the baby move I would think, "OMG, has the baby moved". Then I would start poking and jiggling my belly to get bub to move. She would and I would be ok again, but then I would do it again, and the pattern was just continue.

By monday night, I decided to call for a c-section. And so we went to hospital and our baby was born.

BUT now...... I can't help thinking how weak I am. So many women go thru days like that with the labour and get thru and go on to have a healthy baby. Why couldn't I. I thought I was strong. I am dreamed and visualized this birth so many times, and a c-sec was never part of it. I can't help but think, if I had of just waited a little longer, would I have been ok. Would things have happened naturally.

GOD I HATE THE WHAT IF'S... but I can't stop them...

I will post my birth story this afternoon.. I have to go, Tabitha is wanting me..

2 comments:

  1. So sorry you are feeling this way :[ As much as mothers who birth healthy babies just want to focus on that fact, often times the actual birth can be a source of disappointment that is hard to override.
    I don't think there is anything I can say that will help you to feel better, but I think over time you will come to accept that that was Tabitha's birth, that was part of her story and part of your story. If you had continued to labour and something terrible had happened to your little girl, there would be the regrets and the what-ifs in that circumstance as well. Thankfully Tabitha was born healthy and squirmy and warm, whether she was pulled out or pushed out doesn't matter when she is in your arms. I think because you lost your sweet Owen at birth it is more natural for you to consider the what-ifs because you have been at both ends of the spectrum. You had a great natural labour but your baby left this world. You had a difficult three-day labour ending in a c-section, but with a healthy baby at the end. Where is the sense in these scenarios? There is no sense and that is life in a nutshell!
    Hoping that you can find acceptance with Tabitha's birth, and please know that I am sure everyone you know thinks you have done a brilliant job as a Mother, with all of your babies xox

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  2. beautiful woman - you are amazing, you are inspiring, it tears me apart to even contemplate how you felt throughout your entire pregnancy with the gorgeous Miss T let alone in labour - my heart aches for you - i think (as a complete outsider looking in person) what you have expressed is completely natural - hell i would be a complete mess in your shoes xxxx

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